I realised today that I’m thinking about drinking, or not drinking, a lot less than I was a week or so ago. Sometimes it doesn’t cross my mind for a few hours at a time, especially when I’m immersed in doing something. Believe it or not, this is a big improvement! My focus seems to be improving too, so I’m finding it easier to get immersed in things, especially work projects, although I’m a bit all over the place today.

It’s super busy at the moment, I have a big project due this week and other little jobs snapping at my heels. There’s a lot going on with the boys and we’ve got people coming over two out of the next three nights. And there I was saying how calm and quiet things were. That’ll teach me.

Generally I am a structured person. I like my routines, I like my downtime and I like to have everything under control, no rushing around frantically trying to do a hundred things at once. I can’t live in chaos, it just sends me into a spiral of anxiety and ends up being a huge trigger for drinking. Calm, peaceful, unhurried and structured is how I like to live and mostly I do, in spite of single parenting two kids and holding down a freelance workload, but this week it’s been a little upended. I’m feeling it and it’s only Tuesday. Had some rather savage and I feel overly harsh feedback from a client this afternoon too, which never helps.

Now that I can’t reach for the wine glass to deal with all this, it’s difficult but after a bit of time writing it all out, taking a lot of deep breaths and gaining some perspective I feel calmer and the knot of anxiety has unwound itself somewhat. I’m not obsessively thinking over the criticism I got which when you work in a ‘creative’ occupation is all part of the job but so often sends me into a spiral of questioning my abilities and worth.

Criticism is something I find very hard to take, I’m a sensitive little snowflake, always have been, and there’s always been that compulsion to drink to forget about it. I wonder how many drinkers are really super sensitive souls, I expect it’s quite a lot. So instead of reaching for the wine I read a nice email from a different client yesterday raving about my work, I remembered that I knew this client was going to be a nightmare from day one but I took on the job regardless, and I thought about a few things I could learn from the experience (especially with regard to taking on clients I have a bad feeling about).

Tomorrow, I will take it on the chin, be a professional and get the job finished as quickly as possible so I can take what I can from it and move on. Fear of being unable to cope with rejection has been exactly why I have stayed buried in mediocrity and not actually tried to put myself out there work wise for the last few years. I realised today that what’s been holding me back is not the fear of rejection itself, it’s fear of my inability to handle it without going into a spiral of depression and self loathing. Reminds me of the bit in Harry Potter where Professor Lupin tells Harry that what he’s most afraid of is fear itself. Shame I can’t conjure up a patronus for anxiety but if I could let’s face it, it would probably take the form of a bottle of wine.

Four weeks! Barring my slip the other week but I have managed to pull myself up from that and move forward.

I’ve been thinking over what it is I hope to achieve from banishing the booze. Do I magically think my life is going to be perfect once I stop staring at the bottom of a wine glass? No. My life is far from perfect and it would take a lot more than just sobering up to make it so.

I think my main motivating factor at this point in time is the start of another year, turning 40 and the fact that for the last four or so years I have been basically living the same year, over and over. Like the movie groundhog day, I just can’t move forward and I believe that drinking is if not completely to blame, definitely a big contributor to my general feeling of stagnation.

I see everyone around me moving on with their lives, the single people pairing off, other working mums and dads getting promotions and moving forward in their careers, buying houses, running marathons, and just generally going in a forward trajectory while I am still struggling, still scraping by, still single or repeating the same unhealthy relationship patterns. I’ve spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and wondering when things are going to get better, when will it be my turn, when will I get my break or whatever. And at some stage in the last six months I started to realise that if I want to change my life, I have to actually change my life. It won’t happen by itself. I have to start doing things differently.

I think another big realisation I have had the last few weeks is that this isn’t going to happen overnight. I’m not going to quit drinking and magically transform in the next six weeks. But it’s the start of a process and I am beginning to see how the snowball effect can work and over time, slowly, gradually, I will move forward and get out of my rut as long as I stick with it.

Over the last four weeks I have noticed a few things:

• Calm. The jittery, jangly feeling that is always present is now gone. In its place I feel a strange lightness and sense of peace. When I get anxious about something it flares up again, but only temporarily and not as badly as before. For someone who has struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember this is a revelation.
• Lurching. I still wake up with a minor lurching feeling in the pit of my stomach every morning. It takes a few moments for me to surface and tell myself it’s ok, I’m safe, there’s nothing to be anxious about and then it goes away. I’m hoping for the day I don’t wake up with that feeling any more but having spent a number of years in constant fight or flight mode and coping with chronic stress, that may be a way off yet.
• I’m lonely. Because socialising is a huge trigger for me and also because I don’t have many friends and have decided to take a break from dating, I haven’t been out in four weeks. That is a lot of Netflix. Am going to see if I can make a plan to do something with someone next weekend, even if it’s just a coffee or lunch. Also now my back is better I will look into fitness classes or similar to sign up to as a way to increase my chances of meeting new sober friends.
• My negative self talk is more manageable. I’m finding it easier to distance myself from that horrible voice in my head. A couple of times this last week I’ve even told it to shut the fuck up. This is huge progress.
• Ideas are coming. I had an idea for a blog post the other day for my work website, and various other creative ideas are popping into my brain here and there.
• Generally more positive in outlook. I’m feeling more positive generally, more open to the idea of trying new things, taking risks and getting out of my comfort zone. When shit happens I’m feeling more able to take it in my stride and not catastrophise the crap out of it as I usually do.
• My skin is amazing. Go sobriety! Maybe I will save a few bucks on foundation!

I’m sure there is more to follow, this is only the beginning. I’m looking forward to seeing what happens next.

It’s Sunday and this morning I woke up as I usually do, shocked into consciousness by a jolt of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. Tentatively I surveyed myself to check the damage. How bad is it this morning? The relief of realising that I didn’t drink last night, therefore do not have anything to worry about or feel ashamed of is immense and it’s one of the things I’m loving the most about this sobriety thing so far. Anxiety has been something I have battled my whole life and I do have to wonder how much alcohol has contributed to that. Finding out and hopefully reducing it is probably one of my biggest motivators in getting and staying off the wine.

More good news; I survived the weekend so far. Been reading a lot about sobriety toolboxes, I don’t really have one yet unless dashing to the supermarket to pick up chocolate, non alcoholic drinks and a huge carb filled dinner and stuffing my face in front of Outlander counts. I went to bed feeling slightly sick but with the realisation that wine would not have made my night better. I’d love to say I woke up this morning raring to go but the neighbours were having a party till late last night so sleep was hard to come by. I feel like a zombie this morning but at least it’s just tiredness, not the rest.

It was a week ago today that I got hammered with my friend and I’m very glad to be spending today very differently. Some meal prep for healthy lunches to take to work, vacuuming and reading are about all I have in mind, although I have one anxiety inducing event later today, a sober date. Not just any date, a first date. We’re having coffee so there won’t be any temptation to drink. Dating has always been a minefield for any sober intentions I have. My fears centre around being considered a weirdo, having another reason for people to reject me and further narrowing my pool of available options when the chances of finding someone compatible or even relatively normal in the over 40s dating scene is already pretty slim. I have been talking to this guy for a while and he seems nice so I feel it’s worth meeting him, but I think realistically I need to focus on the sober thing for the next few months if I want to make it stick.