No More Wineing

Four weeks! Barring my slip the other week but I have managed to pull myself up from that and move forward.

I’ve been thinking over what it is I hope to achieve from banishing the booze. Do I magically think my life is going to be perfect once I stop staring at the bottom of a wine glass? No. My life is far from perfect and it would take a lot more than just sobering up to make it so.

I think my main motivating factor at this point in time is the start of another year, turning 40 and the fact that for the last four or so years I have been basically living the same year, over and over. Like the movie groundhog day, I just can’t move forward and I believe that drinking is if not completely to blame, definitely a big contributor to my general feeling of stagnation.

I see everyone around me moving on with their lives, the single people pairing off, other working mums and dads getting promotions and moving forward in their careers, buying houses, running marathons, and just generally going in a forward trajectory while I am still struggling, still scraping by, still single or repeating the same unhealthy relationship patterns. I’ve spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and wondering when things are going to get better, when will it be my turn, when will I get my break or whatever. And at some stage in the last six months I started to realise that if I want to change my life, I have to actually change my life. It won’t happen by itself. I have to start doing things differently.

I think another big realisation I have had the last few weeks is that this isn’t going to happen overnight. I’m not going to quit drinking and magically transform in the next six weeks. But it’s the start of a process and I am beginning to see how the snowball effect can work and over time, slowly, gradually, I will move forward and get out of my rut as long as I stick with it.

Over the last four weeks I have noticed a few things:

• Calm. The jittery, jangly feeling that is always present is now gone. In its place I feel a strange lightness and sense of peace. When I get anxious about something it flares up again, but only temporarily and not as badly as before. For someone who has struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember this is a revelation.
• Lurching. I still wake up with a minor lurching feeling in the pit of my stomach every morning. It takes a few moments for me to surface and tell myself it’s ok, I’m safe, there’s nothing to be anxious about and then it goes away. I’m hoping for the day I don’t wake up with that feeling any more but having spent a number of years in constant fight or flight mode and coping with chronic stress, that may be a way off yet.
• I’m lonely. Because socialising is a huge trigger for me and also because I don’t have many friends and have decided to take a break from dating, I haven’t been out in four weeks. That is a lot of Netflix. Am going to see if I can make a plan to do something with someone next weekend, even if it’s just a coffee or lunch. Also now my back is better I will look into fitness classes or similar to sign up to as a way to increase my chances of meeting new sober friends.
• My negative self talk is more manageable. I’m finding it easier to distance myself from that horrible voice in my head. A couple of times this last week I’ve even told it to shut the fuck up. This is huge progress.
• Ideas are coming. I had an idea for a blog post the other day for my work website, and various other creative ideas are popping into my brain here and there.
• Generally more positive in outlook. I’m feeling more positive generally, more open to the idea of trying new things, taking risks and getting out of my comfort zone. When shit happens I’m feeling more able to take it in my stride and not catastrophise the crap out of it as I usually do.
• My skin is amazing. Go sobriety! Maybe I will save a few bucks on foundation!

I’m sure there is more to follow, this is only the beginning. I’m looking forward to seeing what happens next.