Author: nomowineing

Day 5 – First test passed and a bit of a ramble

nomowineingLeave a comment

It’s been a funny sort of a day. I didn’t sleep well last night so feeling wired and spaced out at the same time if that’s possible (it is). Can’t say I’m feeling energetic, healthy or particularly different from usual at this point in time but I guess it’s too early. At least I’m not hung over.

It’s Friday which can be problematic as this is usually my time to crack open a bottle of wine and get the weekend started. Cravings have been coming and going over the last two days but they’ve been manageable so far. I’m not getting complacent though, I know the worst is to come. So far I am getting by on sparkling water and tea and I have just cracked open an alcohol free beer since getting home. AF beer has never been problematic for me as I’m not a beer drinker, it doesn’t make me crave the real thing it just lets me feel like I’m having a grown up treat.

My oldest son has been away at camp this week, he got back this afternoon. It’s been weird having him away for even a few days with no contact and as always whenever one of the boys is away there’s always this feeling of incompleteness in the apartment. So it was with great anticipation that I lined up at the gates of his new high school with a hundred or so other nervous parents to await the arrival of our offspring from their great adventure.

I got chatting to a new parent I’ve never met, then a few mums I know came along and it was all very polite and friendly. Then a friend of mine came who is a massive drinker, and who has been the cause of my sober demise on a few previous occasions and I came over a bit sweaty (well sweatier – it was 30 degrees FFS) and anxious.

My history with this person is somewhat complex and while she is a lovely person, I realised at the end of last year that it’s just not healthy for me to be around her. I don’t feel good about myself after leaving this person’s company, she loves to gossip and it kind of draws me in too so I find myself bitching and betraying confidences to her just to gain her approval. It’s like she brings out all my people pleasing tendencies and I have no real idea why. Plus common sense tells me that if she’s bitching about all our other friends behind their backs, she’s almost certainly doing the same to me.

After much small talk the bus came, the kids all piled out, sunburned, exhausted, sweaty and hungry. Friend pipes up “Who’s going for a drink? Coming for a drink?” This was mostly directed at me, and fair enough usually I would immediately drop everything including my sober intentions to go and drink away the afternoon while our kids sat around bored. I stalled and said it depends what state #1 is in. She asked the other mums, they all mumbled similar things. She pushed a bit harder and I said, “No, I need to get #1 home he’ll be tired. But definitely another time.” She accepted that and off she went. So glad I didn’t drag my poor kid to the pub, he was shattered, starved, and has blisters on his nose from sunburn. He just wanted to go home, stuff his face with food and commune with his ipad and a bucket of aloe vera. But I felt guilty. That part of me that is desperate to please this person was screaming at me. It still is.

It’s always been this people pleasing part of me that has got me drinking again in the past. That and stress. I guess those are my triggers. But tonight I will not drink, I am safely at home with my boys and we’re going to stuff our faces with pizza and watch Harry Potter.

Two days ago I said no more

nomowineingLeave a comment

It wasn’t the first time, or the second or even the tenth. I’ve lost track of how many times over the last few years I have tried to kick the wine habit but it’s always managed to edge its way back. So in the interests of not doing the same thing continually and expecting a different result (definition of insanity anyone?), I thought I’d try this. Maybe actually writing it all down and putting it out there will make me more accountable, maybe it won’t, but it’s worth a shot.

I didn’t hit any kind of rock bottom three days ago, I had a nice afternoon with a friend. It was fairly standard for one of our Sunday afternoon get togethers – a boozy lunch, followed by a boozy comedy show followed by a bucketload of rose and a boozy uber ride home. I hadn’t intended to get drunk, I’d thought to have a couple of wines over the course of the afternoon then come home and do a few chores around the apartment, get an early night and be up and at the office at the crack of 8am on Monday. Needless to say none of that happened. I didn’t manage to drag myself in to the office or even pick up my laptop at all on Monday and all I could do was lie in bed under a cloud of self pity, thinking why? At 40, there are a number of people I admire and I suspect none of these people spend their Sunday afternoons getting trashed in rooftop bars and skipping work on Monday because they are too hungover to move.

However many good intentions I have, however many times I try to cut it back or cut it out, however many weeks I manage to actually stop drinking (5 weeks is my record), I always end up back here.

So here I am, day 3 and I feel like I have the flu. This might be because I am actually sick or it might be some kind of withdrawal. At this exact moment, not drinking is easy enough, I’ve never been an every night drinker anyway, especially not during the week. My first real test will be on the weekend. For now I’m just tired, spaced out and a bit foggy but that’s pretty normal for me – it can take me up to a week to feel human again after a big drinking session, but no more. Roll on day four.