In the interests of full disclosure I have to confess I had a slip last night. Three glasses of wine and for absolutely no real reason except that it was Friday and I wanted to check out. I’ve been sick and feeling crappy and I think in my brain somewhere I decided that if I’m going to feel crap anyway I may as well drink. Determined for this not to be the beginning of the end as it so often is with a slip so I got up this morning and poured the rest of the bottle of wine down the sink.
I’ve been fermenting. Don’t know why, but this afternoon I was seized by the urge to make a batch of kombucha with my poor neglected scoby. Once that was done I then decided I wanted to finally learn how to make proper sourdough bread so I looked up recipes and started a starter culture.
Am wondering if this sudden urge to ferment things means I have gut bacteria issues, My immune system is so very crap, and I’ve been bloated, gassy and feeling cruddy the last week. Maybe I’m trying to replace one fermented drink with another, who knows! I need a project to keep my hands busy and my brain off the booze so I’m just going with it.
Had a pleasant enough Saturday evening watching Netflix and eating leftover pasta bake. I’m in a bit of a depressed slump right now, it’s partially being sick, I’m sure the wine last night didn’t help. Anxiety and depression are rife after I’ve been drinking. Being sober means things are coming up in my mind, things I usually drink to squash. Am trying to acknowledge the feelings and actually feel them rather than ignore or push them down. And know that just because that little voice in my head has decided to savage me relentlessly doesn’t mean it’s true or I have to listen to it.
I know it takes years to heal your brain after more than 20 years of punishment. But if I can start to progress that will be enough, see more good days, fewer bad and know that the bad will pass. I’m only 40, I’m only half way through my life, I want to make the second half better than the first but to do that I have to change what I’m doing.
No More Wineing 