It’s been a funny sort of a day. I didn’t sleep well last night so feeling wired and spaced out at the same time if that’s possible (it is). Can’t say I’m feeling energetic, healthy or particularly different from usual at this point in time but I guess it’s too early. At least I’m not hung over.
It’s Friday which can be problematic as this is usually my time to crack open a bottle of wine and get the weekend started. Cravings have been coming and going over the last two days but they’ve been manageable so far. I’m not getting complacent though, I know the worst is to come. So far I am getting by on sparkling water and tea and I have just cracked open an alcohol free beer since getting home. AF beer has never been problematic for me as I’m not a beer drinker, it doesn’t make me crave the real thing it just lets me feel like I’m having a grown up treat.
My oldest son has been away at camp this week, he got back this afternoon. It’s been weird having him away for even a few days with no contact and as always whenever one of the boys is away there’s always this feeling of incompleteness in the apartment. So it was with great anticipation that I lined up at the gates of his new high school with a hundred or so other nervous parents to await the arrival of our offspring from their great adventure.
I got chatting to a new parent I’ve never met, then a few mums I know came along and it was all very polite and friendly. Then a friend of mine came who is a massive drinker, and who has been the cause of my sober demise on a few previous occasions and I came over a bit sweaty (well sweatier – it was 30 degrees FFS) and anxious.
My history with this person is somewhat complex and while she is a lovely person, I realised at the end of last year that it’s just not healthy for me to be around her. I don’t feel good about myself after leaving this person’s company, she loves to gossip and it kind of draws me in too so I find myself bitching and betraying confidences to her just to gain her approval. It’s like she brings out all my people pleasing tendencies and I have no real idea why. Plus common sense tells me that if she’s bitching about all our other friends behind their backs, she’s almost certainly doing the same to me.
After much small talk the bus came, the kids all piled out, sunburned, exhausted, sweaty and hungry. Friend pipes up “Who’s going for a drink? Coming for a drink?” This was mostly directed at me, and fair enough usually I would immediately drop everything including my sober intentions to go and drink away the afternoon while our kids sat around bored. I stalled and said it depends what state #1 is in. She asked the other mums, they all mumbled similar things. She pushed a bit harder and I said, “No, I need to get #1 home he’ll be tired. But definitely another time.” She accepted that and off she went. So glad I didn’t drag my poor kid to the pub, he was shattered, starved, and has blisters on his nose from sunburn. He just wanted to go home, stuff his face with food and commune with his ipad and a bucket of aloe vera. But I felt guilty. That part of me that is desperate to please this person was screaming at me. It still is.
It’s always been this people pleasing part of me that has got me drinking again in the past. That and stress. I guess those are my triggers. But tonight I will not drink, I am safely at home with my boys and we’re going to stuff our faces with pizza and watch Harry Potter.
No More Wineing 